i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
