i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
