Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
