Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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