My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
