Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
