I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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