I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i came on her dog
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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