U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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