Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
