I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
