it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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