If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's never too late to be topless.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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