A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
