omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
