Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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