sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
