4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
