WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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