You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
