I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My vagina is officially offended.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
