I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
