apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
