I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Randomize