she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
