broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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