I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize