Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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