I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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