4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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