Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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