Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
