I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
