i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
