Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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