i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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