he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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