he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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