TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
