I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The air was thick with penises
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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