She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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