I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
