I want to walk on stilts...naked
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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