You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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