I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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