A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
