True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
