insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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