dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My cat gives me a boner
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We were destined to go to rehab together
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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