so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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