I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
