The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
