a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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