You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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