the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
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