Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
