I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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