I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
