the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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