Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
